Thursday, 19 June 2008


Children. Gotta love 'em.

Priests do. Globalisation does. Starving Africans on the telly and in the newspapers seem to. But nobody, absolutely nobody seems to love their children more than the parents in China and India.

Because in these places, little children are potential money spinners. Little money spinners that get to spend many a happy hour making garments for upmarket retailers in Europe and the US. And the kids love it so much that they work seven days a week, their loyalty and dedication being rewarded with a kickass (literally and figuratively) average daily earning of 10p. Yep, those are tears of happiness... I swear.

But, as with all good things, theres always someone that wants to ruin the party for everybody else. Yep, those pesky human rights folk have recently been turning their attention to this family values building enterprise and have made no secret of their displeasure. Apparently, a factory is no place for a ten year old child. Who knew? Instead, these children should be free. Like the children in Europe, they say.

Yes, these children should be allowed to be just that... children. No child should be working in filthy factories when they could instead be drinking dirt-cheap cider outside convenience stores, smoking hand-rolled cigarettes, directing "happy slap" videos, bullying each other, committing murder, vandalising private property, abusing drugs, knifing each other or getting abortions.


Sunday, 15 June 2008


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

Ah, bless the Irish (hi Mom and Dad)! I sure love stereotypes and personally wouldnt be able to get through my day without playing on them, but sadly one of my favourites, namely the Irish stereotype has been seriously damaged this past week. And its all down to a little thing called the Lisbon Treaty. Or rather, a referendum concerning it in Ireland.

A solid NO to this treaty sent a clear signal to Brussels. You know, the place that has the same name as those funny tasting green things we as kids were forced to eat over Christmas. The same place that has an uncanny ability, like the sprout, to play havoc with accumulated gastrointestinal gas. The same place that makes silly rules and regulations for the rest of us to obediently, blindly follow.

Dont get me wrong, I for one love the way that criminals seem to have more human rights and a better life than I do. I love the way that children can literally get away with murder. I love the way that the UK subsidises the richest farmers in Europe. I love the way that I am required to speak several languages merely to understand what the fudge people are saying on the bus, and I especially love the way that the road I use on my way home resembles a homeless gypsey persons convention these days.

But sometimes, just sometimes, despite appearing ungrateful for all these blessings, there comes a time when we have to say: enough is enough.

Well, the Irish did just that... and by doing so:


Wednesday, 4 June 2008


Ahhhhh.... global crises.

Gone are the days when all we had to worry about was peace in the Middle East or the Russian commie-bastards nuking us all to hell.

These days we have a whole lot more to worry about. From Generals in Burma, Chinese beating the crap out of Tibet, the sky-rocketing price of oil, AIDS, Iranian nuclear capabilities, North Korean madness, the global warming myth to my personal favourite... FOOD SHORTAGES.

Yeah, food shortages.

I mean the rest dont really worry me that much.... The Generals in Burma will surely be overthrown one day, China's shitty buildings will be its downfall (yeah, pun intended), the Tibetans will be free, oil will be replaced by renewable energy resources, AIDS will be cured, Israel will nuke Iran before it can develop its own damn weapons, Kim Jong Il will die (everybody does), global warming remains a myth.... but food shortages? Now that IS worrying.


Because apparently, its making our leaders weak and stupid.

Just the other day, Patrick Wall, chairman of the European Food Safety Authority, questioned whether it was "morally or ethically correct" to be feeding grain to animals while people starve. Speaking to the Times, he argued that it's time to end the EU ban on the use of animal remains to feed livestock. Because lifting the ban would allow grain to be diverted to millions of starving people.

Sounds good, right?? Yeah, except the ban on using animal remains to feed livestock was enforced because this practice was linked to a little thing called BSE:

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE), commonly known as Mad-Cow Disease (MCD), a fatal, neurodegenerative disease in cattle, that causes a spongy degeneration in the brain and spinal cord and also causes red eyes. BSE has a long incubation period, about 4 years, usually affecting adult cattle at a peak age onset of four to five years, all breeds being equally susceptible. In the United Kingdom, the country worst affected, more than 179,000 cattle have been infected and 4.4 million slaughtered during the eradication programme.

So according to Captain Numbnuts, the best way to tackle starvation is to run the risk or removing yet another food source from the pitiful equation while turning the rest of us into froth foaming-from-the-mouth vegetables. Bollocks. Pure bollocks. Dont listen to that muppet.

Instead, listen to me. I have the solution!! Look at the picture below:

WHOA!! Thats a whole lot of kids, right? In fact, every damn photo appeal for the starving that I see involves some woman surrounded by enough kids to form her own damn tribe.

And kids dont come from nowhere do they?? Nope. Despite what your parents may or may not have told you, some solid, sweaty, heavy, heated, horizontal-monkey-dance graft is required to make one of those lil tykes!! And that requires energy. Lots of it. And where do humans get energy from? Thats right. FOOD.

And kids? Kids need food to grow. Kids grow to be adults, adults that perform the horizontal-monkey-dance, which creates more kids, which then swells the worlds population, which ultimately consumes more food.

So is it right to feed these people??


For you see, the answer to this whole sorry saga is a simple one:


Friday, 30 May 2008


Like a cheap imitation, Arsezanian version of Braveheart, the esteemed leader of South Africa, Thabo Mbeki has in a letter loudly proclaimed:

"Africa- this is my frikkin Africa!"

OK, OK, so he didnt really use those words, but it was damn close!

"According to a US official quoted by Washington Post columnist Michael Gerson, Mbeki slammed the US, "in a text packed with exclamation points", for taking sides against President Robert Mugabe and disrespecting the views of the Zimbabwean people."He said it was not our business," Gerson quotes the unnamed official as saying, and "to butt out, that Africa belongs to him".

Now, the more observant types amongst you may have noticed that he addressed this letter to the President of the United States of America. Yeah, to a little guy called George W Bush, more affectionately known as "The Most Powerful Man in the World". Not exactly Mbekis most inspiring move then, huh?

Especially when you bear in mind that President Bush has tripled U.S. assistance to Africa over the past four years to $3.2 billion. Then, in June 2005, the President also announced that the U.S. would spend an additional $674 million on African aid. (Compare that to Chinas harmful relationships with despots the continent over and their subsequent bankrolling of genocides in these countries).

And then of course, there is the fact that the US currently has 4,075 nuclear warheads at its disposal. Naturally, nothing compared to South Africas large nuclear arsenal consisting of exactly ZERO nukes. But better to be safe, right? So my advice to to the South African President is:


Damn, I sure love "quiet diplomacy".


Thursday, 29 May 2008


THIS JUST IN. News from Africa's "bastion of civilisation" (also known as "Zimbabwe" to the non-Zanu-PF supporters)...

Grace Mugabe, the wife of Comrade Bob has come out in full support of him and has made it quite clear to the opposition and their supporters that Robert will not step aside, no matter what the outcome of the election... unless it is for another fellow Zanu-PF candidate.

"Even if people vote for the MDC, Morgan Tsvangirai will never step foot inside State House," she said after meeting victims of political violence that has rocked Zimbabwe since the first round of voting on March 29."He will only get to hear about what it looks like inside State House from people who have been there. Even if Baba (Mugabe) loses, he will only leave State House to make way for someone from ZANU-PF."

Oh dear. Not a very good sign before a controversial run-off election. Naturally, the rest of the world (and indeed the rest of Africa too) is quite outraged. So outraged that they will be doing....


Except maybe, just maybe write a nasty-worded letter to Robert asking him politely to stop misbehaving. Or maybe even say something negative about the Southern African region and its leaders to a newspaper reporter and then sit back, wiping their sweat covered brows, believing that utopia will imminently arrive in Africa now that they have valiantly done their utmost to resolve the situation. Who could blame them? Apparently this works... as thriving Third World democracies throughout the world testify.

But maybe Im getting ahead of myself here. I mean c'mon- all Mugabe did was rig an election and then force a run-off, right? Thats not so bad, is it? George W Bush allegedly did it. OK, so he did it without the senseless murders. Not that it matters in Zimbabwe- theres loads of 'em left after all. Heck, not even AIDS could dent their numbers. And even if it did matter, it wouldnt matter for long. Because after the run-off, democracy will surely be restored, the streams will surely turn to syrup, the pink sky will be filled with fluffy, puffy candy floss clouds and unicorns will happily skip over rainbows. Then all will be right with the world and the lives lost will be forgotten in the euphoria of freedom. Why? Because thats what happens. Walt Disney movies tell us so.

The only problem is, last time I watched a Walt Disney movie, I dont remember a frikkin Chinese registered ship transporting a WWIII sized shipment of weapons to a politically unstable country. Luckily for the oppressed people of Zimbabwe, the West has shown strong leadership and made it very clear to both China as well as the corrupt leadership in South Africa and Zimbabwe that this situation will not be allowed to continue to develop by playing their strongest hand yet:


Instead, they have left it to the people, the electorate to deal with the matter. On the one hand, the various unions refused to unload the arms shipment. Good on them- they showed more balls than ANY of the leaders the world over have shown thus far. And that says something, because Im not much of a supporter of mass labour movements at the best of times.

However, not all ideas are good ideas when it comes to leaving the electorate to clean up a weak, stupid governments mess. Just ask the refugees and illegal immigrants that were involuntarily turned into beaten barbeque kebabs last week after township opportunists and closet-case criminals decided to take border control to a whole new level.

The situation is clearly out of control.

But apparently we have bigger things to worry about right now....